Blessed are the cracked ... for they let the light in

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My Spiritual Awakening

 

Where does one start?  I didn't plan on telling my story.  I consider myself quite private.  Yikes!  I feel naked! But I also believe, it's part of who made me who I am today and after all, if I ask my clients to be all in.... I need to be "all in" as well.   For as Brene Brown says quite eloquently, vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but exposure and emotional risk is the most accurate measurement of courage.

 

I believe "Getting Real" is truly the door that opens our transformation into wholeness

                                                                       ... and as the big book says, "The truth will set you free".

I don't consider myself to be religious ... spiritual yes.  I'm sure you've heard this before, but it's true. 

I'm not religious. Religion is for those who are afraid to go to hell. 

Spirituality is for those who've been there and back again ~

I was invincible, or so I thought.  Then life happens.   I came from a family of five, middle income, two great parents, both of different backgrounds, worked very hard all their lives.  My Dad quite the renaissance man, very talented, a wise soul and a light everywhere he went, grew up in a loving home. My mother, who was a nurse and one of the strongest, most determined women I've ever known, showed me that a woman could do anything.  She was sharp, had great wit, and came from a very difficult upbringing.  They were married for 20 years, divorced for 20, and died as best friends.  Both of them taught me the power of love & forgiveness, to work hard  and that you can do anything you put your mind to. 

So I did. I worked really hard. I worked part time jobs all through school and university.  After that, if you asked a friend what I was up to, I could usually be found working full time and doing one of my many design projects, renos, flipping houses working sweat equity to get ahead.   But I loved it.  Life was good.  I was with someone for ten years.  Married. We were both driven and worked well together as a team.  Unfortunately, over time there was a disconnection.  I was surprised with a divorce and a couple months later, I found out my mother was dying. 

 

Difficult at the time, but I believe everything happens for a reason.  Wanting to be closer to my mom, I moved across country (myself and my dog (my four legged baby as my copilot) and drove across Canada. I didn't know what I'd do job wise, as I just left a stable government job a little earlier to work full time consulting on my own, but I knew I needed to be closer to my mom & the rest I'd figure out.   I moved back, doors opened and I worked my buns off to build up my business there so I could spend time with my mother, friends & family.   Divine orchestration was truly at play. Everything always works out for the best for all concerned.   We are all friends now and if my marriage hadn't of ended, I wouldn't wouldn't be talking to you right now.  I probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to move back East and be closer to my mother while she was ill before she died. A true blessing in disguise.

I built my business up and to most standards, was considered a successful woman. I was blessed to find special people again who really inspired me and let me be myself.  As my business grew, so did the backlash from my competitors, etc.  I was constantly dealing with something trying to push me out or drag me down.  Looking back I don't know how I juggled as much as I did back then, it kind of amazes me, but eventually it took it's toll.

I buried myself in my work.  I was a definitely a workaholic.  Working very hard to build my business, even to the point, that I paid my business loan off 6 years earlier than required as I full of piss and vinegar and always had to be independent. Unfortunately, I was on autopilot for so long trying to stay strong and keep moving forward, that it wasn't until almost 2 years after the passing of my mother (of course I didn't recognize it at the time) that I was very depressed.   There was no more fuel in the tank. I was so burnt out and overwhelmed by grief and loss that eventually I just hit the wall.  I pushed everyone and everything that was good in my life away and I hit an all time low.  I was probably at my lowest point in my life and with the accumulative effect of all the loss, I was pretty fragile, vulnerable and not myself at the time. I just wanted everything to be better. I ended up getting into a relationship that was unhealthy.  I don't blame anyone. I stopped blaming myself. None of us are perfect.  It's all meant to be, we learn and it's our unique experiences and path that shape us into who were are.  We all mean well and we all do the best we can at the time. Unfortunately, I lost myself and my self worth in the process. I became a shell of a person.  I didn't care about myself or my career anymore and I made some poor choices.  Finally, after truly realizing that the only person I could change was myself, I had to start dealing with all the loss in my life instead of running.  I made some tough decisions and started to gain my life back and I stopped looking outside myself to make my life "perfect" and looked inside my soul again.  

My father was my rock.  He played a big role in helping me cope with the grief of losing my mother.  I was always very close to him, since I was a little girl.  We did everything together.  He was my best friend and he had incredible faith.  He taught me to dream, always believe and have faith.  I feel that was the best gift he could have ever given me as a daughter.  He was a wise, loving soul and taught me so much. Any time I was going through something, he was there and he'd say be strong and "Trust the Boss Sans."  I believe the universe brings the right people into our lives, just when we need it most.  I was also blessed to reconnect with an old friend, who believed in me. She knew my heart and she helped me get back to my ol' self again.  Her wisdom, strength and positivity continue to inspire me to this day and I will forever be grateful.  I also started going to a lifestyle coach who introduced me to modalities that helped me a lot on my journey, which started the whisper in my ear to eventually pursue holistic coaching and healing.  

Life was good.  I got my life back and while working full time, I started to study holistic coaching and healing.   If you were to ask anyone that knew me well, they knew how close I was to my dad and my dog. I went through thick & thin with both of them by my side.  They were my life.  I used to say..."the day I lose my dad or my dog you'll have to bury me with them ~ I won't be able to go on" ....  Well that day came.  Sadly to my surprise, that day came.  I buried my 2 best friends on the same day.   We lost my Dad to a sudden, brief battle to cancer.  We buried him on the Friday of the Thanksgiving Weekend. Two hours after his funeral, Kenzie, my baby, dropped dead.  We buried them both on the same day. Doctors couldn't explain it.  We believed he died from a broken heart, as he loved his Grampy so much.   3 days later on Thanksgiving Monday... our family home was destroyed in a natural disaster.  You never know that God's all you need... until God's all you've got.  That was a very difficult time, but we get through it and it makes us stronger.    

There are a lot of things in our lives that we cannot control.  They're the hardest, because I was a "control nut" lol. I was stubborn.  I liked everything perfect!  Life certainly tests you until you finally realize the only choice you have is your attitude.   It's not in the push, but the position.  Sometimes, you need to just let go, surrender and have faith it will all work out and it will.   This is not easy. Looking back, much of my life experience has been like that.  I've just finally, gotten better at handling it.  I've had my share of stuff, some serious health battles, you name it. It's funny, but the universe will keep sending you lessons in some form or another until you get it!  My lesson was to listen to my body, heart & soul and start taking care of myself!  The journey of self love and finally putting myself first. It's a difficult lesson to learn, as I often thought it was selfish.  But it's actually the opposite.  It's self FULLl! You're no good to anyone, if you're half dead, resentful or have nothing left to give.  So Keep your cup full.   

It's all about balance.

Life is our greatest teacher.  Like all of us, I've made mistakes.  I've had my share of struggles, betrayals both personally & professionally, a couple of broken hearts, the shattered dreams ... bla bla bla!  and I've learned from all of it. It sounds like a bad country song LOL!  I've had to start over more times than I can count, but I wouldn't trade any of it because it's shaped me into who I am today.  I love and appreciate life now more than ever! It taught me so much and it has been a humbling experience.  Of course I am still learning and I always will be. I am far from perfect, but I finally know who I am and who I am not and it's all good.  

There will be seasons in our lives when everyone and everything we need, or think we need, are completely gone.  These trials, challenges and experiences are all different for each of us, but at some point in our lives, we're all faced with the same thing, circumstances that are just completely "out of our control".  There's nothing you can do.  When you find yourself there... when you find that you've completely exhausted yourself; every option and every avenue; feeling helpless and alone and you're finally able to come to grips with the fact that there are just some things in life you cannot control.  You just "have to let go of the wheel" and dig deeper.  Then, and only then, you'll truly come to realize ... that you're never alone ;)  There is a infinite source of unlimited love, wisdom, peace and joy just wanting to be part of your life and help you if you let it.  Once you do... that's when the magic happens!

There's a time for everything.  A time to fight for what we believe in and a time when we just need to let it go and trust that it will all work out.  I've learned to accept was is and to live in the moment and truly appreciate the beautiful people in my life.   I've learned to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.  

Most importantly, I've learned life is short.  Have fun!!! :)

Love and embrace the journey, we all make mistakes.  None of us are perfect, we'll never stop learning and we will never get it all done. "We ALL do the best we can at the time." Respecting that we are ALL on various levels of our OWN personal journey.   Even if I could go back, I wouldn't, as it's provided perspective, lots of laugh lines and brought me closer to my creator. It's helped me find my own authentic path that speaks to my heart and my soul. Blessing me with a full life filled with love, joy and freedom.  Living with purpose, passion, and clarity. 

We are all unique, with our own personality, gifts and talents.  We ALL deserve to live our best life.  

When we do, the whole world benefits from that. 

Life is an adventure.  Embrace it and have fun!

I am so GRATEFUL to be able help others create a meaningful life and enjoy the journey along the way!~